It might be said that what follows is the product of some of the greatest cycling minds in Scotland.   Then again, it might not...

The hammock award is presented to a unsuspecting member of the club each year. The trophy consists of a ladies ergonomically designed sadddle on a plinth. Given out to member who has the distinction of annoying or unintentionally embarresing themselves throughout the year. Started out life as a raffle prize at club presentation. ( returned each year to be redrawn)

A frantic shout from the back of the bunch to those at the front which is music to the ears of those who are agonisingly watching their companions slowly disappearing up the road. Basically means "Slow down!" and is usually uttered by a compassionate samaritan type as the victim is too busy chewing the handlebars in an all or nothing effort. Usually results in a name going into a black book for later retribution!

A run undertaken after a meal to burn off enough calories to enable you to take that extra special dessert which is so tempting!!!!

The sprint for the finishing line at end of race, where main pack arrive together at finish.

Someone frightened to push hard on pedals - saving one's self for sprint finish. Do you need names......

An all-out attack during a road race. Designed as a win or lose effort. Puts you in that zone ABOVE the red zone!

One who is a beginner to cycle sport. Gringos are noticeable by their predeliction to add things onto a bicycle which are not exactly essential:   kickstands, mobile phone brackets, alarms, map holders, horns etc.

A bicycle frame manufactured from frame tubing of a dubious origin. One that would befit a gas central heating installation or an illicit whisky still beautifully. Notably utilised by "Gringos" and those whose mother has access to an Argos catalogue. These machines tend to be built for weight training as opposed to cycling.

See also "the bonk" or "the knock". This is a rather extreme form of fatigue which enables the rider to gaze no further than their own front wheel. Participants go through many emotional states including a great desire for anything edible and the rapturous hatred of either all those around them, or those who dropped them and sailed merrily up the road.

A state of mind where one feels at the peak of one's physical performance, e.g. "See me, ah wis pure pingin' the day, so ah wus". Possibly derived from the "whirring" sound made by a fully inflated set of tubular tyres traversing at optimum speed.

The moment when the man with the big rubber hammer catches you and pummels every muscle in your body. Technically this is when after riding for a few hours all the available carbohydrate reserves are depleted and the rider is almost unable to continue other than very slowly where fat reserves are being used as source of power.

Hallowed home of the Johnstone Wheelers. Warm and cosy meeting place for cyclists through the ages. Built by the members for the members, second home to many down the years.

This is the BIG one. An audax from Paris to Paris. Unfortunately, the intermediate check point is at Brest so the route covers 1200km and has to be completed in under 90 hours. Definitely one for the idiots, Iron-Man is intending to do it this year. Surprisingly, it's 200km shorter than our own LEL, that's London to London via Edinburgh. Aren't you glad you know that?

Essential piece of winter kit, used to protect rider from having a wet ar** plus helps rider behind from getting face sprayed with all sorts of gunge!!

Bike used between October & April, usually rebuilt each year due to excessive corrossion from salt on roads.  Should have mudguards fitted !!!!

Those who sit sheltered at the back of the group, never venturing forth to take a spell (has spell been defined?).  Especially prevalent on the windy days we experience occasionally in the West of Scotland.  This breed often relent when the wind is at their back and grace the front of the bunch with their presence.

Riding half a wheel in front of your companion; it really gets up their nose.

32.2km/hr, or 20mph in real money.

Audax

Rider who completes a 200k, 300k, 400k, & 600k audax in one season and thereby receives a nice little award and a mention in the next year's handbook.

One who rides audaxes.

Audax - What us old-timers used to call reliability trials.   Riders have to complete a set course within set time limits and stopping at control points to have their route cards stamped (hence the saying, "You can stamp my card any time, Darling.").  Time limits normally correspond to a maximum average speed of 30kph and minimum of 15kpm.  See Audax UK (AUK) website (http://www.audax.uk.net/) for further details.

A lie-back-and-think-of-England type of cycle.  Favoured by some of the stranger members of the audax fraternity, but illegal in road racing and time trialling.  Non-cyclists seem to call these beasts "recumbents".  As the seat can be very close to the ground, riding over large stones is not recommended.

Foolhardy cyclists who endure indoor torture to music, all done at 120 RPM.

A hardy breed of cyclists who brave sub-zero temperatures to train in dead of winter.

The view from the leader when s/he looks back at the top of very steep hills (or, as soap watchers would call it, an "Emmerdale").

A shout to let leaders know to single out for new lead riders to pass.

Shout to go into single file when riding two abreast.

Usually said along with a naughty word.

Vehicles approaching from front or rear.

A mock race at end of run.

Needs no explanation.

A shout to warn of potholes when riding in bunch (or all over as is the customary shout in Renfrewshire).